suddenly inspired

i continue to hate myself 

for caring

i hate how i hear your voice 

whenever i receive a txt

about once a month

if im lucky

i hate how no matter how many times

i see pictures of you and her

i can never get used to it

i hate how much i hate myself

and hate blaming you

but it seems like the only logical explanation

i hate putting on a fake smile

whenever you speak her name

because i sooo deeply want to be happy for you

i hate how i continue to have dreams

dreams that you leave her for me

i hate that i STILL have hope

hope that maybe you will come to your senses

and want me back

but what i hate even more

is that although i claim to be strong enough

i wont be strong enough to tell you no.

my heart refuses to be strong enough

strong enough to hurt you

like youve hurt me

i hate you for being so happy 

i hate you for leaving me

i hate you for ignoring me

i hate you for not realizing

i hate you for not making time

i hate you for changing

i hate you for being who ive always wanted you to be 

i hate you for bringing her around your family 

i hate you for not calling to say hi

i hate you for breaking your promise

i hate you for allowing me to make promises

i hate you for "loving" her

and i hate you for not giving me a good enough reason to TRULY hate you

and the worse part is

ill never hate you 

as much as i hate myself