Teenage Wasteland

Today i broke a promise with myself. 

and i cant say i was disappointed with my decision. 

i went to visit my high school

although i promised to never walk those hallways again.

but once i left, sadness took over.

and it took two years for me to realize how much i missed it.

in HS i did nothing but bitch and complain about wanting to be free

i didnt want to have to listen to anyone

i was tired of the fucking dress code

and i was sick of always being in trouble.

but a teacher was able to remind me how i was never in school

and as she was talking about days in class 

days that i was unable to remember

because i was either mentally gone, or physically gone.

i missed out on some good times.

but it was also nice to remember all the great times.

my best friend coming out of high school 

was able to reminisce with me.

we walked the halls recognizing that everything has changed

it had only been two years, and everything was different.

and it wasn't just the school...it was us.

her and i will never be the same kids we were in high school

and i think it saddened both of us...

although we did have some laughs at the school today

the ride home was quiet (at first, we cant shut up for too long) 

knowing that this is the last year we are officially teenagers, 

hit us hard.

its a sad time when you realize your adolescence will never come back.

hmmm

"Healing, is when you don't feel a thing"

after having a pretty intense dream

where yet again i was accompanied by someone who seems to be haunting me.

and yes...hes still alive.

i dont know what it is...but it seems my "feelings"

do nothing but get in the way...

even when i try my hardest to let go

and get rid of them...

they haunt my life.

i dont know what to do anymore

the only thing that seems perfectly logical

is to simply not FEEL.

the only emotion i want to keep

is laughter...

i dont want any personal feelings about anyone

if you dont feel, you wont get hurt right?

so plan B..

have everything mean nothing...

wish me luck.

The Way I See It #17

"The world burst at the seams

with people ready to tell you you're not good enough.

On occasion, some may be correct. 

But do not do their work for them.

Seek any job; ask anyone out; pursue any goal.

Don't take it personally when they say "no"-

they may not be smart enough to say "yes"."

Who wouldve thought that a quote on a starbucks cup

would hold so much meaning.

i dont think it needs any explanation

so just take it in 

and enjoy it

=]

pressure..

today as definitely been as shitty as the come 

and the worse part...i have no one to talk too

or well ill rephrase that...

i dont want to talk.

im sick of talking about things that never change

and im tired of hearing everything will be alright

school is stressing me out

money is stressing me out 

my family is going to shit

and im slipping further and further away from the few friends i do have.

although last night and friday 

got my mind off a lot

cause karla and her family are the greatest to be around...

but i do miss that friend that made me forget everything

each and every day.

although i still feel like i did nothing wrong...

i do wish i could take it back...

i wish we could both take a lot of things back

but we cant.

gah...

somehow everythings gonna fall 

right into place." right?

...

"this life is way to short

to get caught up in all this stuff"

new words to live by.

starting

.

.

.

.

.

.

NOW

i think i developed a problem

about 20 minutes ago i watched what i have heard to be one of the saddest chick flicks, P.S. I Love You, and surprisingly...i didnt shed one tear, and didnt feel my heart heavy once. 

this may not come as a surprise to most of you, or you may  simply not care. but coming from someone who does nothing but watch romantic comedies, read romantic novels, and listen to songs that slowly kill you inside, im surprised...

ive never wanted to consider myself bitter, but im beginning to think that is the problem. never in my life have a been more disgusted at the sight of a happy couple. and yes i still listen to my share of love songs, but now i feel a different emotion rather than thoughts of suicide or that hopefulness of my very own fairy tale ending. but unfortunately i am unable to express that emotion via blog.

im not sure if i should consider it exactly a bad thing to have a shield blocking you from the happiness that anything love related should give you, or if its finally a sign to let me know its not the only thing to base your life around and look forward too.

and maybe you are thinking "well shes obviously never been in love." false.

i think i have been TOO in love for anyones own good. even myself.

i had what i thought to be the best thing in my life as a boyfriend...and even when it ended a friend, and now i dont even have that.

and to basically put the cherry on top...

i let my guard down, finally, with someone i thought worthy, and that turned to shit.

(i apologize to everyone who has heard this all before) 

anywayyy this obviously has no direction

and isnt making much sense

(bare with me, its 3 in the morning)

but i have come to a conclusion, romantic comedies do allow me to reminisce..

im just not sure if its for the best.

guess its time to throw out those mix tape and lovey dovey novels.

and officially deleting P.S. I Love You off the tivo.

=]

good to know NFG keeps it real

so i was on absolutepunk.net which i decided to visit after discussing 

its lack in "real" music news...but along with something posted about 

the "famous" Jefree Star...there was a comment from Jordan of New Found Glory

which i was definitely excited to read...

"I think everyone was in a better place during this record because every record

we write is about things that are happening with each other and our personal lives... 

we wanted to go in there and write a super, catchy, fun record that's heavy and upbeat

and songs that we can play live... i think this record was really written for our fans

and bringing them back to what made them like New Found Glory to begin with."

well it is good to know that some band are continuing to keep it real

and make music that they are known to be amazing at..and not conforming to the trends

sorry that i seem to be ranting a little more than usual

guess keeping up in the music world

is an obsession at the moment...ill get over it eventually

babies, breakups, bromances!

so before we get to ahead of ourselves, this isn't a blog expressing my love for Fall Out Boy, or even my hate for them (which sadly is growing each and every day).  And for the pic on the side, there were none for the blender article where Pete wasn't front and center...surprised? Not at all. I also decided to blog about this after having about a hour long discussion on the most recent article written about FOB or should I say pete Wentz and his no talent wife (yes that was mean, but i did once jump out of the car and hopped a fence to not miss Ashlee Simpson perform at the brea mall) so for a previous fan, I can say that she has went to shit. sorry. 

Anywaaaay back to the point of this article. The blender article was of course well written, but just like every other FOB article, it was about Pete with a few feedback from the other band members, that sadly most have no idea exist. 

Joe Trohman (FOB guitarist) explained he feels left out...

"it does get frustrating not being able to contribute. I mean to be labeled a background guy, someone who's just along for the ride-its hard. i started Fall Out Boy you know?"

Andy Hurley (drummer) was only quoted talking about his love for the packers and to say he enjoys his simple life. From the way the article described it, he plays drums and goes home to his "boca burgers and comics."  Atleast he's not feeling left out, or just has a good way of hiding it.

One thing I had heard nothing about, that did surprise me in the article was that Patrick did quit the band on the last tour. He went on to describe Pete as not a "control freak but very controlling." Pete had gone on to make decisions behind not only Stumps back, but the whole band. Stump had his things together and had stuff written to go solo and was planning to leave the band after the tour. Sadly they reconciled. I would have much rather heard Patrick's solo project then the new FOB album. it drives me INSANE to see and well hear the talent that Patrick has, and to have to see him as backup to the tabloid friendly Wentz.  Yes, Patrick has been quoted explaining that he doesn't enjoy the limelight and even seems slightly insecure about himself, but it doesn't mean he shouldn't be praised. He has been asked to produce with Lil' wayne and even Jay-Z, but always finds an excuse to back down. 

"I'm just a fat white dude from Glenview, Illnois. As a hip-hop fan, i don't want me doing hip-hop" c'mon Patrick...give yourself credit.

After a little time to talk about Patrick (mind you the article gives him about 2 paragraphs out of 4 pages) it goes on to talk about how Pete considers himself a DILF. Gross. And goes into to his weird named child and his home life. P.S. we don't give a fuck!

So now that I vented a little about Wentz and I took up a lot of space, and if your reading this, your time. i want to end on the BEST paragraph of this whole article...

"It's not hard to find reasons to make fun of Wentz. His swooping bangs and his disproportionately large head make him look disturbingly like a grown-up version of a Garbage Pail Kid. He wears girls' jeans and toils in a genre known for its interest in cosmetics than for its contributions to the pop music canon. His lyrics are more self-indulgent than a luxury-spa retreat. Pictures of his penis have wound up on the internet. He plays the bass-and not very well"

ill end on that note. =]

 

i need you defenseless

"you see, its never been enough 

to just leave or give up

but its never good enough 

to feel right"

i dont feel like really explaining...

but at this point, those words hold A LOT of meaning. 

=/